Why is it that whenever I
1) Park my car in an empty far corner of a carpark does someone in a clapped out landrover/people carrier etc park right next to me!
2) Clean my car it gets hit by birdy do doo within about 4 hours!
Does this sort of thing happen to anyone else?
The first phenomenon can be explained by simply psychology:
These people are obviously meeting others, and there nope to come back to their vehicle before you leave.
Now the people they meet, may come down to the car-park to see them off. And now these people are embarrassed about the condition of their car.
So they park their beat up old jalopies next to yours, because you obviously have a set of wheels that would be the envy of most folks. what these people hope is that when their friends come to see them off, they can pose next to your buggy, making small talk, till their friends get bored and return to, either their own cars, or go back inside.
That way the could always claim to be owners, as an unsaid perjury, and be the talk of their friends' circle.
The second is a simple law of nature. Birds are of course cleaner than human beings.
Thus even when they go, they wanna go in a clean place, no matter what. After all, wouldn't you?.........
So they pick the cleanest car they see, and then.... just go!!!!!!!!!!!
Can you blame them?
I on the other hand have birdy do doo, whether I clean or don't. The birds are brewing up a conspiracy against me.
But my buggy is usually in a position of easy access or approach, due to the nature of my work, and if at all anyone comes close they are told off.
Talk about a thread going in the totally wrong direction! 
